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Two Rangers fans at a game.
1st fan: They're playin bad, aren't they?
2nd fan: Aye, no hauf.
1st fan: They've got better in them, but.
2nd fan: They've maybe got better in them but they're constipatit the night.

At a time when there seemed to be a rash of highly publicised scandals about Catholic priests not living up to their vows of celibacy and even fathering children, the joke went round that Celtic had boosted attendance at Parkhead by introducing a special new gate for 'Priests and sons'.

A story is told of a Celtic supporters' club changing its official title to 'The John F. Kennedy'. Apparently the local Rangers supporters' club promptly changed its name to The Lee Harvey Oswald Loyal'.

Q. At an Old Firm game, why does a ticket for the Rangers end cost more than a ticket for the Celtic end?
A. Because at the Rangers end you get singing and dancing.

And now over to Crimedesk:
It has been reported that last night the trophy room at Parkhead was broken into. Police are asking for witnesses to come forward who may have seen men running down London Road carrying a green carpet.

A man cadges a cigarette from an acquaintance. He lights it up then makes a face of disgust. The cigarette is low-tar and not strong enough for his taste. He turns to his supplier and says: 'Hey, don't gie's any mair a yer Celtic fags.' 'What are ye on aboot. . . how are they Celtic fags?' 'Ye canny even get a draw oot them.'

Walter Smith on the phone to Wim Jansen: 'Wim, we're havin a wee party on Saturday night and we'd like you to come along.'
'Sorry, Walter, I can't manage.'
'I know that, but why not come to the party anyway?'

An end-of-season party often takes place at Parkhead despite the Celts' failure to prevent another Rangers Championship. Not only is this seen as being good for morale, it also gives the management the opportunity to release a few balloons.

It is said that when Celtic were combing Europe for a new manager they made an approach to the manager of Iceland. When he turned them down they then asked the manager of Farmfoods.

When Celtic sacked Lou Macari as manager a story went round that this had been the result of a terrible misunderstanding. Apparently the Chairman's assistant gave the manager his P45 after hearing the Chairman say at the end of a long board meeting: 'Ah've got tae get ma carry-out.'

Whenever Celtic hit a bad run in a season the joke surfaces that the board have had potatoes planted under the centre circle at Parkhead. This is to ensure that the team lifts something at the end of the season.

Apparently an application was made recently for a Lottery grant to fund a film based on the life of Fergus McCann. The working title is 'Carry On Up The Jungle'.

The former favourite of the Celtic fans Paolo di Canio was well-known for wearing coloured football boots and usually played in a white pair. This was not his first choice - he actually wanted to wear silver boots but nobody could find any silver polish at Parkhead.

John 'Yogi' Hughes is not the only player in Celtic's ranks to have been given the nickname of a cartoon character. Funny how they haven't got a Scooby.

After Celtic's latest debacles it appears there is a new strip released. It is green and white hoops with a red neck.


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